Know your Animals Pt 2 - The Goat.

The Goat.
Mysterious, violent and delicous. Up until now, science has known very little about the Goat, some say a Goat is but a shaven Sheep, others suggest it is but a short-necked variation of the Domestic Giraffe, also known as the “Llama” or “Furry Raptor”.

But it is with great pleasure, I today may share with you the fruits of my research of the goat.
Firstly, observe this diagram, as it will make up the basis of today’s lesson.

Fig.1 The Goat. (From left to right): Goat.

• Although originally to be peaceful farm animals, like the Hippo, or Hyena, through thorough research involving 3 years living as a Goat, to gain their trust, I uncovered Goats as some of the most brutal and violent of all animals, engaging in gang warfare, using the many blades(see head blades, shoulder blades, ankle blades) located around their body, to threaten and extort hay, needles and grass from other animals. They are also used by “pimp goats” to assault others in the event of no payment after receiving services from a “goat whore”
• The goat whore, makes use of her many “reproductive bits”, as well as her “chest curve” and “boob” to service other goats in return for hay, crystal meth, and slosh.
• An “attractive” goat whore, is characterised by having a moderately sized boob, with a similarly well shaped “chest curve”. She may also expose her many “poopers” to male goats requesting her services. By having so many, it is possible for a goat whore to service several males whilst still defecating at a regular goatly rate.
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• Goats are known for their defecation. And thus, have evolved many ways of excreting, including the two main “poopers” at either end, as well as the “auxillary pooper”, and “emergency backup pooper” in dire circumstances.
• It is still unknown how goats manage to defecate so frequently whilst only eating through the two mouths. Some suggest the recycling of food, by eating defecation, this researcher on the other hand has a theory of quantum physics, a theory too complex to go into in this paper.

Now we have covered goat life, here is a quick glossary of other goat terms and parts.

• Axilla: also known as the “armpit”, this is the location of a goat’s central nervous system.
• Beer Gut: most, if not all goats are alcoholics, and thus, to compensate for a lack of alcohol in the goat community, have evolved to naturally grow a “beer gut”.
• Shins: the long leggy bit of a goats leg. Also mopeyish indie band
• Eels: see Shins.
• Helmet: goats are horrible at riding bikes, and so have an in-built helmet.
• Upper and Lower Butt Bump: this section is used by most researchers as the dividing line between “tasty goat” and “not so tasty goat”.

Goat Q and A

QI’ve been linked to a picture, being told it was of goats, only to find a large fleshy ring and some hands on my screen, but I still don’t see any goats. Is this some kind of magic eye puzzle?
A Science is unsure of the origins of such a picture. Some believe it to be the stretched “auxillary pooper” of a goat. Others beleive it to be human. Science has not yet been able to find a goat of similar appearance, and human subjects seem unwilling. Would you care to donate your body to science when you die?

Now Colour in and Label this Goat Picture!

Know your Animals Pt 1 - The Chicken.

The Chicken, like the Goat(see “goat”) is often seen by the uninformed spectator as some form of peaceful creature, living out it’s simple existence, pecking on corn or whatever leftovers farmers throw at it to eat. Much like the Goat however, this is very wrong.

HISTORY
Chickens, much like Emus and Foxes, were invented by the ancient Aztec society, who needed something to cook in the 11 secret herbs and spices they had discovered after Colonel Sanders fell through a rip in the time space continuum, carrying with him all his Kentucky Frying secrets. Luckily for the Aztecs, they created the Chicken on their third go, giving them much to rejoice about, for if they had continued searching for the right animal to invent, they would have gone on for centuries before landing on the correct choice of chicken.

It was due to such an early invention of Chicken, that the Aztec patent office shut down, claiming that everything the could be invented, had been, which is fair enough, they had already invented a system similar to the internet, using mice in a series of aqueducts, instead of the more modern, and efficient cats in tubes we use today.
Other notable inventions of the Aztecs were, doomsday, and Indiana Jones movies, the scripts for which were uncovered by time traveller and Chicken connoisseur George Lucas.

LIFESTYLE
The Chicken mostly lives a relaxed solitary life, but it is not
common for a young bird to seek share house accommodation. This kind of
housing arrangement allows for much social activity between Chickens,
and is often referred to as a “Brothel” or “Whore House”(from the latin
whorus, meaning Chicken).
Female Chickens living in these arrangements often have an increased
menstrual cycle, ovulating daily. This causes must unrest in mixed sex
housing, causing males to lose sleep, and sanity, waking up in the
early hours of the morning to curse the sun for rising once more.

Another
option for Chicken living is homelessness, often referred to by humans
as “freerange.” These Chickens are forced to live outdoors, sometimes
within the confines of a fence, in rain, snow or heatwaves. Living off
what they can find amongst the grass, they are subject to the
conditions of wild creatures, outcast from the rest of the world.

ANATOMY
The following picture details the anatomy of the traditional Aztec Chicken, not to be confused with the modern Kentucky native “Sanders Chicken“, or the more recently discovered “Street Chicken.”

Fig. 1 Aztec Chicken.

CHICKEN FACTS

The Chinese word for Chicken is also the word for Prostitute.

The male Chicken can be identified by it’s more prominent “Back Lump” and a smaller “Facial Scrotum”

In females, eggs are developed when the prostate gland releases it’s contents into the third testicle. The growing egg then moves into the facial scrotum, and then to the egg factory where it is polished, filled and packaged up in groups of 12 in boxes made of recycled cardboard previously absorbed by the Chicken through its groin.

A male Chicken is often referred to as a Cock, due to the fact they are free of genitalia, and infact thrust their whole body up into the females groin to reproduce. Reproducing Chickens can often be identified by the males legs, from the Achilles shin down, protruding from the female.
Scientists recommend this as the best time to roast a chicken, which bodily fluids at a high, and the female pre-stuffed.

jellyjellyjellyjellyjellyjellyjellyjelly

more to come.

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